Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Everybody I know who is funny, it’s in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don’t like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
You win a race, the next race it’s a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That’s what is funny. But that’s what is interesting. And that’s what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.
It’s such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you’re not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I like having a beard. What’s funny is when you shave a beard, you realize how freezing cold your face is! The primary purpose evolution-wise is to keep you warm, to grow hair on your face. You shave it off, and your face is freezing for a few days.
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor – a very Canadian sense of humor and I am only learning now stupidly that you can’t read tongue. When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn’t read that way.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
The funny thing is that my husband couldn’t be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He’s got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he’s around you, he’s such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.
That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.
There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you’re the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
There’s nothing I dislike more than being in a photo shoot where they say, ‘Be yourself.’ That’s not why I became an actress. That’s what I find so funny: that you become an actor, and all of a sudden, everyone wants to know about you. But I didn’t become an actor so I could show you me.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.
I can’t stress to you enough how much I can relate to teens being cyberbullied. Something that helps me is looking at old videos of me and my friends from middle school, or videos of my family. I love watching funny videos of my favorite people – it really cheers me up.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.’
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
It seems like everybody’s perception of me is very bipolar. To one group, it’s overpaid, overrated; to another group, it’s underpaid, underrated, underdog. It’s funny to me because there’s no real balance.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
It’s funny what memory does, isn’t it? My favorite holiday tradition might not have happened more than once or twice. But because it is such a good memory, so encapsulating of everything I love about the holidays, in my mind it happened every year. Without fail.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
I love shifting between being super cute and aggressive. It’s funny.
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself.
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that’s what I’d be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I call myself the Amusement Park. That’s because I’m funny and scary at the same time.
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
I’m crazy, funny, and good looking!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
It’s so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it’s this monster that consumes so many millennial lives.
A good actor is someone who knows how to take the part and make it real and make it honest and be effective in it. If it’s in a funny movie and, as long as they are cast in an appropriate way, humor will come from it.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.
My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They’re loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, ‘The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.’ Funny thought.
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
My life needs editing.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
It is to be observed that ‘angling’ is the name given to fishing by people who can’t fish.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It’s kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane.
It’s just not funny to disrespect other people’s beliefs, backgrounds, cultures, or identities when those are deeply rooted in longstanding oppression. Jokes that punch down on marginalized people require no creativity because they’ve existed since the beginning of time. It’s like telling a knock-knock joke and believing you’re Richard Pryor.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Too much agreement kills a chat.
It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
I have an unfortunate personality.
All men are equal before fish.
You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I basically started performing for my mother, going, ‘Love me!’ What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I wasn’t close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time – good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.